Part 1 of a 2 part series
In his book Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus, fellow psychotherapist John Gray focuses on the “light years apart” differences between men and women—men are from Mars and women are from Venus, after all—and offers a simple solution: the sexes must acknowledge and accept these differences before they can develop happier relationships.
So what exactly are these differences?
Understanding Perception
Gender issues in today’s workplace can be traced to the different ways men and women perceive the world. This “seeing” affects our POV (Point Of View), which determines our every thought, word, decision and essentially, every action we take.
The male’s main priority is status.
Men generally perceive, think and talk in terms of independence, competition, hierarchy/status, and rules/rights. Events are regarded as isolated and discrete. Men view information as power, which is shared only as needed—with the need being determined in the mind of the male as a way of getting the upper hand.
The opposite sex also tends to be goal oriented. The final result is extremely important (sports anyone?). But most helpful for you is to accept the differences in communication. Men use language to report on events and negotiate position. For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence, negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order. From an early age, they learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention.
This may be done by exhibiting knowledge and skill, or by holding center stage through verbal performance such as story-telling, joking, or imparting information.
Good to know: Want to get on a man’s bad side or alienate the relationship altogether? Easy. Just tell him he’s incompetent because men’s greatest fear is being viewed as incapable. Some men find saying “I don’t know” humiliating.
The female’s first priority is relationship.
A woman’s approach for showing up in the world is by thinking, then talking, in terms of interdependence, intimacy, network and connection. We prefer flexible guidelines and taking group responsibility.
Women like to consider action within a specific context, drawing associations in terms of how a specific action may influence the next action and the next. We believe that information is meant to empower. Sharing is a means of discovering new information and connection.
For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way to establish bonds and navigate relationships.
What’s more, we’re process oriented. Results count, however, the means to the end is essential in determining the value of the result in our lives.
When we focus on connections, we’re motivated to minimize the gap in expertise; to be forthcoming, understanding and patient in our communication. Since our goal is to maintain the appearance of similarity and equality, freely sharing what we know helps even the score.
From childhood, girls criticize peers who try to stand out or appear better than others. Instinctively, women know that people feel their closest connections at home, or in setting where they feel at home.
But our values don’t end at close-knit, small settings. When we communicate, we prefer to make people feel comfortable even in the most public or group settings.
Good to know: Women abhor controlled silence because where there is no response there can be no relationship. This is why, when men retreat, we may find ourselves chasing, insisting, or “nagging” for conversation.
But there’s another difference between the sexes beside the need for status vs. relationship: men’s and women’s awareness of the power of their words to affect others.
We’ll take a look at how to use Influence It! to close the gender communication gap in my next blog post.
Meanwhile, what about you? What are your observations of the gender differences at home and in the workplace?
