People have been arguing since the beginning of time. And there are several ways to win which usually involve coercion, manipulation and deceit.
At one time or another, every woman has found herself pushed to the limit by a man. Her usual response? To back down because she’s been brain trained it’s not ‘lady-like’ to argue. No doubt you’ve experienced being talked out of your objection or point.
So if passionate disagreements that turn into full-blown arguments don’t work, and neither does backing down, what does?
When you’re in the battle heat of the moment, the biggest asset you have isto think on your feet!
Now I know this sounds counter-intuitive and not very helpful when the blood is pumping and the heart is racing, but it’s actually a better tact.
Running these three questions through your mind will influence you on your feet:
1. How vital is this relationship to me?
2. How important is my stand?
3. What are the benefits of winning?
Asking yourself these three questions doens’t mean abandoning your position. On the contrary, it means gaining more ground. How?
Let’s look at this example. My friend, Linda, had a major blow up with a coworker, Mike, over a major decision about a marketing project she was responsible for at work.
The stakes were high, time was running out and the customer was hard to please. Mike disagreed with how she was handling the presentation to the client. His approach was fairly confrontational and Linda decided right then and there that she didn’t want to back down.
Next time the words and emotions began to fly she took a deep breath and asked herself these three questions.
Question number one: How vital is this relationship to me? Her answer: so-so. In this moment, she didn’t value her relationship with Mike because his current behavior was becoming increasingly overbearing and his long-winded conversations were eating up precious production time.
Question number two: How important is my stand on this issue? Her answer: very important—she was the lead executive on the project with upfront responsibility to the client. (By the way, this was one of the firm’s largest clients.)
Question number three: What are the benefits of winning? Her answer: huge. She had more experience than Mike, had a better relationship with the client and she also knew exactly what they wanted.
Linda made a solid decision to hold her ground, looked Mike squarely in the eye and quietly, calmly and firmly stated her decision and walked away. Yes sir, she didn’t wait for his approval, she didn’t ask for feedback and she didn’t let herself stick around for any chance of intimidation or retaliation.
What is it that makes this so important? Linda’s response came from consideration, not habitual reaction.
For those of you who’ve been conditioned to get caught up in, “What will this person think of me?”; “Will I be seen as a bitch?”; or “Nice girls don’t make waves,” that day is gone—for everyone’s sake! As it turned out, the client loved Linda’s presentation and extended their contract.
Linda trusted the process. I need to mention that she has very well-developed self influence. She knows in her heart her value, and chooses to Influence It! with both her verbal and non-verbal communication.
You can do the same.
Ladies, what’s your biggest frustration when you’re in a heated discussion with a man? What actions are working for you?
